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Thursday, April 4, 2013
Friday, November 16, 2012
Slut-shaming and Christianity
This is another one of those, I guess what you call, conceptual blog entries. As opposed to talking about experiences with people in my day-to-day life; I talk about issues and concepts pertaining to injustice. For me, this is sort of practice for some essays I plan to write as a part of my Semester Project (what some might call "Shimer finals").
If you grew up in a conservative Christian home like I did, you probably heard a lot more about sex than you think you did. I hear that a lot of fundamentalists are still afraid to talk about it, but I don't know because my upbringing only had hints of fundamentalism. For me, I can recall many nights in youth group where the conversations about sex took nearly 30 minutes to get to because we were all so uncomfortable listening to someone talk about (much less engage in a conversation about sex). I hit puberty pretty early in comparison to my classmates and youth group friends (around the summer between third and fourth grade). It was annoying because suddenly my parents would start hounding me about wearing deodorant and my mom insisted that I had to take showers every day now, "Son, if you wake up in the morning and you're not in heaven, take a shower!" Now let me be clear, I love my parents and this blog entry is not intended to hate on my parents or to place blame on them; they did their darnedest to raise me the best they could and I'd like to think they did alright.
Unfortunately, everything changed for me after fifth grade. I graduated from Sonlight (Evangelical equivalent to Awana - curriculum no longer exists) and moved into the youth group. I had a lot of questions for my youth pastor, especially about dating and sex. I started noticing girls differently and everything seemed to be going downhill from there. That's when the much-hyped night came when our youth pastor split us up into boys and girls to have "the talk". My parent's church felt it was very important to be pro-active in educating young people about what the Bible had to say about sex. This, I'm told, is much more progressive than some other churches- I think you'll realize it's not when I get further into my story.
I was not very well-educated about sex in school. My class (2009) was caught in the middle of the transition between abstinence-only and basic sex education. In middle school we learned about STI's (then called STD's) and the importance of remaining abstinent until marriage as the most effective way of avoiding "complications". I didn't go to a mainstream public high school until my senior year and by that time every student in my class had already taken the required sex education health classes. I scoured the Internet and found a lot of things there, but nothing that was very helpful. In fact, most of what I found was porn. I will leave the discussion of porn for another day and another entry, but for now suffice to say that porn had a very negative effect on my view of sexuality and fed into the narrative I was taught in youth group.
This narrative was directly linked to a rigid belief that sexuality is evil until you're married. Prior to marriage, sexuality was labeled "lust" and all Biblical references to lust were applied in explaining what G-d thinks of it. I was taught that my desire to look at naked women, to look at porn was evil. I was evil. I was a sinful, awful human being and I needed to run from that evil like running away from a fire. For years I hated myself because I believed I was evil. I constantly questioned whether G-d loved because I was this evil, lustful person who always wanted sex. It led me to making a lot of mistakes with my girlfriends during different times of teenage years, wanting to have sex with them but always stopping short of it at the very last moment because I feared somehow that I would fall from grace irredeemably. The fooling around I did left me feeling like I was such a horrible person, that I had done something so terrible and that I was perpetrating something akin to violating my girlfriend because I hadn't waited until marriage to do so. Each girlfriend I fooled around with also had this guilt and eventually our relationships would end because we feared the worst, that is, that we might have sex before tying the knot. I'll never forget the day one of my sisters caught me making out with my then-girlfriend and she called me out on it in the car right before church. I was so guilt-stricken that I actually bolted from the car and ran into the woods behind my parents' house. I cried and cursed myself, spewing hate-filled phrases and maliciously repeating Bible verses about G-d's wrath for those who disobey "Him".
My girlfriends of those days and I were victims of what is now called slut-shaming. If you want a more precise and comprehensive explanation you can read this article or watch this video. The most sinister thing about slut-shaming is that you can then be inculcated with the slut-shaming narrative and believe what you're told to the point that you slut-shame yourself (they call this "internalizing"). That's what my then-girlfriend and I did. We were constantly shaming ourselves simply for having sexual desire. Whenever we "caved" or "gave in to temptation" by fooling around we didn't need a preacher, our pastor, or our parents to lay on guilt. We gave it ourselves and then some. I'm not a psychologist, I also haven't read a psychological study on this, but I'm pretty damn sure this kind of thing isn't healthy.
And I can't help but worry about my friends, my younger siblings, and all those who grow up thinking that they're evil, disgusting, and "lustful" simply because they are sexual. There are so many people whom I care about a great deal who have been effed in the head by this. My story is quite tame in comparison to some people who suffered a great deal because of the slut-shaming (and that's not even factoring in the shame and violence towards gay youth). There are people who have lived their whole lives believing this and perhaps even got married simply because they thought there was no other way to escape it (which, I might add, is a horrible reason to get married). There is no excuse that can justify slut-shaming because in essence, it is denying that we are what G-d created us to be: sexual (I will address asexuality as an orientation at another time, but rest assured asexual people are G-d's creation too). The guilt and shame heaped upon people because they are sexual is destructive and morally reprehensible. It's no wonder that preachers and pastors have to write so many damned books about "forgiving yourself", you're carrying the Empire State Building's-worth of guilt and shame on your shoulders and you believe you're an evil person to boot. If I wanted to be real cynical about it, I'd accuse preachers and pastors of planning the whole thing to make big bucks off of their books, conferences, and speaking engagements: guilt the shit out of them, sell a bunch of books about how to forgive yourself afterwards. It's perfect, right?!
My fellow believers, there are much healthier (and non-judgmental) ways to teach our youth about sexuality and a Biblical understanding of the beauty that is who we are.
Oh, LORD, how long, LORD?
James
If you grew up in a conservative Christian home like I did, you probably heard a lot more about sex than you think you did. I hear that a lot of fundamentalists are still afraid to talk about it, but I don't know because my upbringing only had hints of fundamentalism. For me, I can recall many nights in youth group where the conversations about sex took nearly 30 minutes to get to because we were all so uncomfortable listening to someone talk about (much less engage in a conversation about sex). I hit puberty pretty early in comparison to my classmates and youth group friends (around the summer between third and fourth grade). It was annoying because suddenly my parents would start hounding me about wearing deodorant and my mom insisted that I had to take showers every day now, "Son, if you wake up in the morning and you're not in heaven, take a shower!" Now let me be clear, I love my parents and this blog entry is not intended to hate on my parents or to place blame on them; they did their darnedest to raise me the best they could and I'd like to think they did alright.
Unfortunately, everything changed for me after fifth grade. I graduated from Sonlight (Evangelical equivalent to Awana - curriculum no longer exists) and moved into the youth group. I had a lot of questions for my youth pastor, especially about dating and sex. I started noticing girls differently and everything seemed to be going downhill from there. That's when the much-hyped night came when our youth pastor split us up into boys and girls to have "the talk". My parent's church felt it was very important to be pro-active in educating young people about what the Bible had to say about sex. This, I'm told, is much more progressive than some other churches- I think you'll realize it's not when I get further into my story.
I was not very well-educated about sex in school. My class (2009) was caught in the middle of the transition between abstinence-only and basic sex education. In middle school we learned about STI's (then called STD's) and the importance of remaining abstinent until marriage as the most effective way of avoiding "complications". I didn't go to a mainstream public high school until my senior year and by that time every student in my class had already taken the required sex education health classes. I scoured the Internet and found a lot of things there, but nothing that was very helpful. In fact, most of what I found was porn. I will leave the discussion of porn for another day and another entry, but for now suffice to say that porn had a very negative effect on my view of sexuality and fed into the narrative I was taught in youth group.
This narrative was directly linked to a rigid belief that sexuality is evil until you're married. Prior to marriage, sexuality was labeled "lust" and all Biblical references to lust were applied in explaining what G-d thinks of it. I was taught that my desire to look at naked women, to look at porn was evil. I was evil. I was a sinful, awful human being and I needed to run from that evil like running away from a fire. For years I hated myself because I believed I was evil. I constantly questioned whether G-d loved because I was this evil, lustful person who always wanted sex. It led me to making a lot of mistakes with my girlfriends during different times of teenage years, wanting to have sex with them but always stopping short of it at the very last moment because I feared somehow that I would fall from grace irredeemably. The fooling around I did left me feeling like I was such a horrible person, that I had done something so terrible and that I was perpetrating something akin to violating my girlfriend because I hadn't waited until marriage to do so. Each girlfriend I fooled around with also had this guilt and eventually our relationships would end because we feared the worst, that is, that we might have sex before tying the knot. I'll never forget the day one of my sisters caught me making out with my then-girlfriend and she called me out on it in the car right before church. I was so guilt-stricken that I actually bolted from the car and ran into the woods behind my parents' house. I cried and cursed myself, spewing hate-filled phrases and maliciously repeating Bible verses about G-d's wrath for those who disobey "Him".
My girlfriends of those days and I were victims of what is now called slut-shaming. If you want a more precise and comprehensive explanation you can read this article or watch this video. The most sinister thing about slut-shaming is that you can then be inculcated with the slut-shaming narrative and believe what you're told to the point that you slut-shame yourself (they call this "internalizing"). That's what my then-girlfriend and I did. We were constantly shaming ourselves simply for having sexual desire. Whenever we "caved" or "gave in to temptation" by fooling around we didn't need a preacher, our pastor, or our parents to lay on guilt. We gave it ourselves and then some. I'm not a psychologist, I also haven't read a psychological study on this, but I'm pretty damn sure this kind of thing isn't healthy.
And I can't help but worry about my friends, my younger siblings, and all those who grow up thinking that they're evil, disgusting, and "lustful" simply because they are sexual. There are so many people whom I care about a great deal who have been effed in the head by this. My story is quite tame in comparison to some people who suffered a great deal because of the slut-shaming (and that's not even factoring in the shame and violence towards gay youth). There are people who have lived their whole lives believing this and perhaps even got married simply because they thought there was no other way to escape it (which, I might add, is a horrible reason to get married). There is no excuse that can justify slut-shaming because in essence, it is denying that we are what G-d created us to be: sexual (I will address asexuality as an orientation at another time, but rest assured asexual people are G-d's creation too). The guilt and shame heaped upon people because they are sexual is destructive and morally reprehensible. It's no wonder that preachers and pastors have to write so many damned books about "forgiving yourself", you're carrying the Empire State Building's-worth of guilt and shame on your shoulders and you believe you're an evil person to boot. If I wanted to be real cynical about it, I'd accuse preachers and pastors of planning the whole thing to make big bucks off of their books, conferences, and speaking engagements: guilt the shit out of them, sell a bunch of books about how to forgive yourself afterwards. It's perfect, right?!
My fellow believers, there are much healthier (and non-judgmental) ways to teach our youth about sexuality and a Biblical understanding of the beauty that is who we are.
Oh, LORD, how long, LORD?
James
Saturday, November 10, 2012
The Dysfunctional Nature of Anti-Choice Doctrine
I sat down at lunch with some Shimerian friends of mine and we began to talk as we always do. I can't begin to say what brought up the discussion, but we began talking about contraceptives and abortion. This being almost a non-issue since we all agreed on where we stood about these things, we began talking about the absurdity of anti-choice. Let me be clear that I hate abortion, I would just as soon eliminate it from the universe, but unfortunately I don't think legislating against it will do us any good. History has shown us that when you take something away from people who are accustomed to having something, they're only going to go against the laws in order to have it anyway (Prohibition Act of 1920, illegalization of Marijuana). The real solution to abortion is to be a people who lovingly come alongside women who are contemplating abortion, who have just had an abortion, and also women who don't know what to think. Love is key, and frankly, is the most absent virtue among Christians. I would go so far as to say manipulation and politics-based-on-ignorance are the two most common things you'll find in the Church. That's a pretty sad state of affairs, my friends. I can't understand why messages from the pulpit are all about G-d's love for the sinner who may yet come to know Perfect Love, but what do Christians do when things don't go the way they think they should? They whine and moan about it to politicians instead of crying out to G-d for a Kingdom-minded solution.
Regardless, this blog entry is not about my dissatisfaction with the Church. It's a pretty safe bet that if there's an issue the Church is upset about, I'm upset at the Church for the way they're handling it.
What really struck me was that our conversation turned to how the rationale is that pregnancy is the natural consequence of having sex without using contraceptives. That's pretty much a no-brainer, I have yet to see any scientific data that proves the Natural Family Planning Method works (trying to guestimate when your partner is least fertile as the ideal time to have sex). We started talking about the narrative that goes a little something like this, "You have sex, you need to take responsibility for your actions". The implication being that if you get pregnant you're responsibility is to the unborn child. There's a much more sinister implication that the child is a punishment for having sex.
As someone who looks forward to one day being a father, I think anyone who use a child as a punishment is seriously messed up in the head. I don't care how important personal responsibility is to you. A child is a child, a gift from G-d, and under no circumstances should we ever use these little human beings as punishments. To those who would insist on this misguided idea of responsibility, I have to ask, "Just what the hell is wrong with you?" It's bad enough that you think sex has to be punished (another evil implication by the rationale of anti-choice doctrine), but then to use children- who you are supposedly trying to protect, as a weapon of punishment (and ultimately it's backdoor slut-shaming) is morally wrong and despicable.
It's time to stop playing the games of worldly politics and reactionary rhetoric, we must fall to our knees and ask G-d for solutions to these problems, with Love as our first response. It's hard, Love is not an easy thing to do especially when we've been doing the contrary for so many years. I'm just as equally guilty of this. Even now, I struggle to practice Love towards people who upset me with their backwards thinking. It's time to withdraw from the political debate and start a revolution of Love and compassion.
O Lord, how long, Lord?
James
Regardless, this blog entry is not about my dissatisfaction with the Church. It's a pretty safe bet that if there's an issue the Church is upset about, I'm upset at the Church for the way they're handling it.
What really struck me was that our conversation turned to how the rationale is that pregnancy is the natural consequence of having sex without using contraceptives. That's pretty much a no-brainer, I have yet to see any scientific data that proves the Natural Family Planning Method works (trying to guestimate when your partner is least fertile as the ideal time to have sex). We started talking about the narrative that goes a little something like this, "You have sex, you need to take responsibility for your actions". The implication being that if you get pregnant you're responsibility is to the unborn child. There's a much more sinister implication that the child is a punishment for having sex.
As someone who looks forward to one day being a father, I think anyone who use a child as a punishment is seriously messed up in the head. I don't care how important personal responsibility is to you. A child is a child, a gift from G-d, and under no circumstances should we ever use these little human beings as punishments. To those who would insist on this misguided idea of responsibility, I have to ask, "Just what the hell is wrong with you?" It's bad enough that you think sex has to be punished (another evil implication by the rationale of anti-choice doctrine), but then to use children- who you are supposedly trying to protect, as a weapon of punishment (and ultimately it's backdoor slut-shaming) is morally wrong and despicable.
It's time to stop playing the games of worldly politics and reactionary rhetoric, we must fall to our knees and ask G-d for solutions to these problems, with Love as our first response. It's hard, Love is not an easy thing to do especially when we've been doing the contrary for so many years. I'm just as equally guilty of this. Even now, I struggle to practice Love towards people who upset me with their backwards thinking. It's time to withdraw from the political debate and start a revolution of Love and compassion.
O Lord, how long, Lord?
James
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Clarification, David, and Confession
When I put a name as the blog entry title, what do you think I do it for? Attention, simplicity, or perhaps because I'm not that creative? Normally, I'd make a joke about all of those being true, but this is too important. I tell you their names and put them as the title because I want you to know that these are real people. These are human beings with faces and names, they matter to G-d; they matter to me. If everyone else in the world forgets their names and forgets their faces, there will always be me and those who read this blog to read and remember these people.
Today I was coming home from church and I was going to consummate my five week-running desire for a burrito from either Chipotle or Qdoba. Due to the construction on the Green line, all the stops on Lake and Wabash are closed down, which makes finding the Chipotle I've been to really difficult. I had just got off at the Jackson stop on the Blue line to transfer to the Green line when I realized that there had to be one of the two burrito places around. I began walking toward the Green line entrance because I knew there was one nearby, but as I kept walking it became clear I was on the wrong street. I was about to turn around and give up when a man waved at me and started asking me for a moment of my time. He told me how he was hungry and only had a dollar...
This week I have a much tighter budget and I really only had money enough to either help this man or get my burrito. I don't say that to brag about how selfless I am, because a part of me is still kind of moping that I didn't get my burrito- I just wanted you all to know that this wasn't just me giving out of my excess and that this was nothing for me. We crossed the street and went into a Dunkin' Donuts. He looked over the dollar menu and picked out four items, then after the cashier had already swiped my card, decided he wanted an orange juice. David (that was his name) was not making this thing easy. We stepped outside and he thanked me, told me my jacket looks like a cat was rolling in it (because of my hair shedding on it), then asked me if it was possible to get one more thing. Really, David, you want one more thing? We stepped inside Dunkin' Donuts again and he ordered two more things off the dollar menu. He then walked over to the cooler and pulled a Coke out and I was reluctantly willing to buy it for him. When the cashier returned with his second bag of food, the Coke was gone, and then we walked out. That's when I noticed where the Coke had gone. David had stuffed the Coke into his pants pocket and was casually walking out.
I don't know if I should have done something there. A younger me would have yelled at the present day me for being so morally depraved as to watch theft and do nothing. Younger me probably would have even gone so far as to compare it to Kitty Genovese, but petty theft like that just doesn't seem to be the kind of thing I want to make a scene over. Perhaps I should have gone back inside after he left and explained to the cashier what I had witnessed and offered to pay for the Coke after the fact. Now that I think about it, that sounds like the most diplomatic way to handle a ethically ambiguous situation. As I walked towards the entrance to the Green line, I turned back and saw that David was now standing outside the liquor store on the corner and asking people for money (I assume).
Oh, and did I mention that I found a Qdoba? Yeah, turns out it was on the corner and that when I had decided to turn around and give up (until David flagged me down) that I had been just a few steps short of seeing it. I didn't beat myself up too hard over it though, since it was closed anyway.
Now for the painful part of this blog entry. I have a confession to make which may not make sense until I explain and others who read it may be fuming with rage over my foul-up. Those of you who have been reading this blog or have caught up to now will recall Kateja, the 20 year old mother to-be who has no home and no job. I have not followed-up with the information my church gave about ministries who can directly help her get some stability. I could make excuses about how the past two and half weeks I've been having frequent migraines and such, but in reality I have become comfortable. I let my busy, cushy, and comfortable life prevent me from standing in brokenness over the injustice of Kateja's situation. I have sinned against G-d and against my sister, Kateja.
Lord, have mercy on me for allowing myself to become too comfortable that I have neglected a sister You put in my path. I confess to You before all those who read this blog entry that I have sinned and not done the work You called me to do. Forgive me, Lord.
Until that day comes when You will, "wipe every tear from their eye" and there will be no more pain; I cry out to You... O Lord, how long, Lord?
James
Today I was coming home from church and I was going to consummate my five week-running desire for a burrito from either Chipotle or Qdoba. Due to the construction on the Green line, all the stops on Lake and Wabash are closed down, which makes finding the Chipotle I've been to really difficult. I had just got off at the Jackson stop on the Blue line to transfer to the Green line when I realized that there had to be one of the two burrito places around. I began walking toward the Green line entrance because I knew there was one nearby, but as I kept walking it became clear I was on the wrong street. I was about to turn around and give up when a man waved at me and started asking me for a moment of my time. He told me how he was hungry and only had a dollar...
This week I have a much tighter budget and I really only had money enough to either help this man or get my burrito. I don't say that to brag about how selfless I am, because a part of me is still kind of moping that I didn't get my burrito- I just wanted you all to know that this wasn't just me giving out of my excess and that this was nothing for me. We crossed the street and went into a Dunkin' Donuts. He looked over the dollar menu and picked out four items, then after the cashier had already swiped my card, decided he wanted an orange juice. David (that was his name) was not making this thing easy. We stepped outside and he thanked me, told me my jacket looks like a cat was rolling in it (because of my hair shedding on it), then asked me if it was possible to get one more thing. Really, David, you want one more thing? We stepped inside Dunkin' Donuts again and he ordered two more things off the dollar menu. He then walked over to the cooler and pulled a Coke out and I was reluctantly willing to buy it for him. When the cashier returned with his second bag of food, the Coke was gone, and then we walked out. That's when I noticed where the Coke had gone. David had stuffed the Coke into his pants pocket and was casually walking out.
I don't know if I should have done something there. A younger me would have yelled at the present day me for being so morally depraved as to watch theft and do nothing. Younger me probably would have even gone so far as to compare it to Kitty Genovese, but petty theft like that just doesn't seem to be the kind of thing I want to make a scene over. Perhaps I should have gone back inside after he left and explained to the cashier what I had witnessed and offered to pay for the Coke after the fact. Now that I think about it, that sounds like the most diplomatic way to handle a ethically ambiguous situation. As I walked towards the entrance to the Green line, I turned back and saw that David was now standing outside the liquor store on the corner and asking people for money (I assume).
Oh, and did I mention that I found a Qdoba? Yeah, turns out it was on the corner and that when I had decided to turn around and give up (until David flagged me down) that I had been just a few steps short of seeing it. I didn't beat myself up too hard over it though, since it was closed anyway.
Now for the painful part of this blog entry. I have a confession to make which may not make sense until I explain and others who read it may be fuming with rage over my foul-up. Those of you who have been reading this blog or have caught up to now will recall Kateja, the 20 year old mother to-be who has no home and no job. I have not followed-up with the information my church gave about ministries who can directly help her get some stability. I could make excuses about how the past two and half weeks I've been having frequent migraines and such, but in reality I have become comfortable. I let my busy, cushy, and comfortable life prevent me from standing in brokenness over the injustice of Kateja's situation. I have sinned against G-d and against my sister, Kateja.
Lord, have mercy on me for allowing myself to become too comfortable that I have neglected a sister You put in my path. I confess to You before all those who read this blog entry that I have sinned and not done the work You called me to do. Forgive me, Lord.
Until that day comes when You will, "wipe every tear from their eye" and there will be no more pain; I cry out to You... O Lord, how long, Lord?
James
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Peter and the Hungry Man
Tonight I had a date with someone, a very wonderful someone. The date went well and if this was my personal blog I would be telling all the details, but this blog is for discussing things like what happened afterward. I'm on Wabash walking in the general direction of south when a man stops me and asks me for some change. Truthfully, I told him that I don't carry cash and that I couldn't help him. He started to tell me that he was homeless and needed just a sandwich to get him through. I'm always eager to help people, perhaps to a fault. I walked with him over to the 7-Eleven kiddy-corner and a block from where I ran into him and bought him a sandwich and a bottle of water.
After I made it to the Red line subway station on State and Jackson I sat down on a bench to wait for the 95th/Ryan. The man sitting opposite me got my attention, grabbed my hand in what I thought was a handshake, but instead he kept a firm grip on it. He introduced himself as Peter, began to whimper and moan about how alone he was and how he needed a friend. He told me he was hungry and need some money. The conversation continued with him telling me that even "my people, black people" won't giving him money, saying, "I got nothing". His eyes were bloodshot and his breath reeked of alcohol, so I had already decided that I wasn't going to take a second look in my wallet to see if I had a dollar. That's when Peter said something that shocked me, "I suck dicks, I'll go anywhere you wanna go; make you feel real good". The emotional side of me is instantly repulsed by this proposition and I'm ready to run away like Bush got re-elected for four more years, but instead sat there and listened as he tried to smooth talk me into this transaction. I told him firmly but nicely that I could help him and walked away.
Whether he was going to buy booze or food, I am left amazed that this really happened. You see it on television, the stereotypical stoner who will perform sexual favors for money so they can get their fix, but to have someone proposition you in real life... There's nothing entertaining or worthwhile in portraying it in any light other than what it is: a sickening sign of the desperate need for Jesus. I can already hear the cynical retorts, "People can't eat a Bible" and while I would enjoy snapping back that they could, I recognize that it's important to take care of the soul AND the body. This blog is all about how I am trying to make my soul transformation tangible to the bodies around me who have names and faces as unforgettable as the pyramids themselves. G-d how I long to see the brokenness of this desperate and dying world removed, to see the sick and needy covered in the abundance of Your Providence and love. Lord, do you see the suffering of Peter who, in his brokenness, turns to alcohol and prostitution to try to fix all the things only You can heal? Where were you when Peter was asking me for money, Lord? It seems like for every person I try to help, there are tens of thousands still waiting.
Oh Lord, how long, Lord?
James
After I made it to the Red line subway station on State and Jackson I sat down on a bench to wait for the 95th/Ryan. The man sitting opposite me got my attention, grabbed my hand in what I thought was a handshake, but instead he kept a firm grip on it. He introduced himself as Peter, began to whimper and moan about how alone he was and how he needed a friend. He told me he was hungry and need some money. The conversation continued with him telling me that even "my people, black people" won't giving him money, saying, "I got nothing". His eyes were bloodshot and his breath reeked of alcohol, so I had already decided that I wasn't going to take a second look in my wallet to see if I had a dollar. That's when Peter said something that shocked me, "I suck dicks, I'll go anywhere you wanna go; make you feel real good". The emotional side of me is instantly repulsed by this proposition and I'm ready to run away like Bush got re-elected for four more years, but instead sat there and listened as he tried to smooth talk me into this transaction. I told him firmly but nicely that I could help him and walked away.
Whether he was going to buy booze or food, I am left amazed that this really happened. You see it on television, the stereotypical stoner who will perform sexual favors for money so they can get their fix, but to have someone proposition you in real life... There's nothing entertaining or worthwhile in portraying it in any light other than what it is: a sickening sign of the desperate need for Jesus. I can already hear the cynical retorts, "People can't eat a Bible" and while I would enjoy snapping back that they could, I recognize that it's important to take care of the soul AND the body. This blog is all about how I am trying to make my soul transformation tangible to the bodies around me who have names and faces as unforgettable as the pyramids themselves. G-d how I long to see the brokenness of this desperate and dying world removed, to see the sick and needy covered in the abundance of Your Providence and love. Lord, do you see the suffering of Peter who, in his brokenness, turns to alcohol and prostitution to try to fix all the things only You can heal? Where were you when Peter was asking me for money, Lord? It seems like for every person I try to help, there are tens of thousands still waiting.
Oh Lord, how long, Lord?
James
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Kateja
Today I went grocery shopping. I decided to go shopping at Dominicks since I was going to Best Buy which is kiddy-corner to the grocery store. Having successfully returned the computer mouse at Best Buy, I made my way over to Dominicks when young woman stopped me and said, "Excuse me, sir, could you help me out- I'm trying to a few dollars to eat?" My first thought was to say "no" since I try to avoid giving money directly to random people on the street. I came to a solution of offering to buy her something at Subway. We sat down and I tried to get to know her. Her name is Kateja (Kuh-tee-jah) and she's seven months pregnant. She lives on the South side (although at the moment she doesn't have an actual place to live). With the baby's father in jail and her family absent from the picture, she truly is alone.
Did I mention she's only 20?
It makes me so frustrated, why is Kateja on the streets with a baby on the way and I'm safe and cozy at Shimer College? What did I do to deserve the luxuries I enjoy on a daily basis? It's not fair, it's not right, and so I cannot just sit idly by while people like her go on suffering. No, I can't save her, I'm not Jesus. I can't even pretend that I know what to do or that she should trust me, but I can't just walk on by and do nothing. I decided to take down her full name and number and told her I would get in touch with some people to see if there was anything that could be worked out.
Now that I'm back here, I'm telling you all her story, but even that is only a fraction of what's going on. I sent an e-mail to my church's mercy ministry to find out what ministries we're connected with. Now all I can do is wait and pray that G-d shows Himself to be faithful through this.
Oh LORD how long, LORD?
James
Did I mention she's only 20?
It makes me so frustrated, why is Kateja on the streets with a baby on the way and I'm safe and cozy at Shimer College? What did I do to deserve the luxuries I enjoy on a daily basis? It's not fair, it's not right, and so I cannot just sit idly by while people like her go on suffering. No, I can't save her, I'm not Jesus. I can't even pretend that I know what to do or that she should trust me, but I can't just walk on by and do nothing. I decided to take down her full name and number and told her I would get in touch with some people to see if there was anything that could be worked out.
Now that I'm back here, I'm telling you all her story, but even that is only a fraction of what's going on. I sent an e-mail to my church's mercy ministry to find out what ministries we're connected with. Now all I can do is wait and pray that G-d shows Himself to be faithful through this.
Oh LORD how long, LORD?
James
Monday, August 27, 2012
The Gay Marriage Debate and the Homeless Neighbor
I find myself at a loss for words in discussing the gay marriage debate. While I want to respect both sides of the argument, I'm beginning to see a strong shift from ambiguity to clearly defined and polarized sides of the issue. As a follower of Jesus, I walk a fine line between wanting to see the LGBTQ community treated as equals without qualifiers or stipulations, but I also want to maintain a level of theological integrity in the message I preach. Having heated and peaceful debates with both liberals and conservatives on the issue of gay marriage, I would like to point out what I'm thinking and feeling.
I'm so frustrated with more conservative Christians who, in their naive ignorance of the deep pain we've caused, think they can simply decide how best to compromise on the issue of gay marriage. The issue becomes further complicated by the perverse intertwining of political and spiritual narratives which is so pervasive among the conservative evangelicals and fundamentalists. The distinction between political and Church doctrine become so blurred that address either aspect inspires the ire of many saints. They build mega-churches and have high-quality worship productions that could lead you to believe you were at a rock concert, but when it comes time to put head to the plow there's a lackluster performance in the follow-through. They have the righteousness concept refined to near legalism, but are completely missing the justice aspect of G-d's character. The evangelical and fundamentalist conservatives tend to be more individualistic and therefore do not conceive of salvation as something beyond the personal prayer made at the point of conversion. The question for them is, "who is your neighbor and what limit does Jesus put on loving them?"
The liberal Christians have no more satisfactory answers than their conservative siblings in the faith. Their watered-down theology lacks any sort of moral backbone that they end up rendering the Gospel nothing short of a limp noodle, useful for good feelings and tingles when the glossy messages of "love" come from the pulpit, but are wholly lacking in a message of G-d's call to live a new way. They have the concept of justice down to a well-oiled machine, yet they lack the righteousness that goes with it. These followers of Jesus run the risk of becoming like the salt without flavor, to be scattered among the ground and trampled on. The question for them is, "which do you love more, Jesus or social justice?"
When speaking to my conservative brothers and sisters on the issue of gay marriage, the best I have seen thus far is the concession that the LGBTQ community should have equal marriage rights, but they want to see a separate legal precedent established to make this possible. In doing this, they reject the reality that doing so establishes a government-sanctioned act of discrimination and bigotry towards gays and lesbians. They also can't seem to understand that vast difference between a G-d-ordained marriage and a legal marriage. No matter how many times I try to explain that legalizing gay marriage on a federal level would not be a threat to G-d-ordained marriages, it falls back on twisted political rhetoric that somehow G-d wants us to protect legal marriage as if it were one-and-the-same with G-d's holy unions. The most foul and evil corruption in the Church is the lie that our American political establishments are the same as G-d's most holy rites.
When speaking to my liberal brothers and sisters on the issue of gay marriage, they demonize their conservative siblings for being intolerant. The "Us vs. Them" mentality begins to create a cyclical call and response. When the conservatives come down on an issue, the liberals respond by opening their arms wide with an ever-embracing message of G-d's love and a swift back-hand to the conservatives for their "backwards thinking ways". Even I can't escape their fiery message of anti-judgmentalism (which ironically reeks of judgmentalism), and for what is my crime? I only want the Gospel preached as it in the Bible. You know the parts where Jesus tells the prostitute to "go and sin no more" or of forgiving a brother seventy times seven. Again, the wicked and idolatrous political polarization happens here with liberals always trying to be the exact opposite of their conservative siblings. It's like twins who are sicking of being mixed up trying to be so different from each other that they both end up looking like freaks.
And now I turn your attention to another matter entirely, but one of both personal and social nature. On 33rd and State on any given weekday you can be sure to find a scruffy-looking man asking for change. I've seen this man on multiple occasions over the past two and half years I've been in Chicago and asked him about his life. He told me about his family and how the internal strife and some poor choices led to being kicked out. First time I saw him I gave him some money so he could use the CTA to get into a shelter (it was February). The next time I saw him I bought him some hot chocolate and (I tried to get him to eat a banana) an oatmeal cookie at Starbucks. The third time I saw him I was a little miffed because I wanted to help him, but wasn't about to just hand him my bank account if only to see him come crawling back to me for more in a couple weeks. He told me he needed money for the CTA, so this time I gave him my farecard since I was armed with a second one which I could fall back on. Not more than two days later, I saw him again at the Jimmy John's begging for some food: whining and crying that he was hungry. I watched, utterly flabbergasted as a gentleman had the gumption to say something to the effect, "Get off my street and don't come begging here no more. This is my street, I pay my taxes, now go take your begging somewhere else..." The exchange had an even more interesting dynamic seeing as how the angry gentleman was black and the scruffy beggar is white. Would this black man be so callously dismissive if the beggar had been a black man?
Every time I see this scruffy homeless man, I can't help but feel guilty because I haven't done enough to help him. Another side of me thinks that this man is just leeching off of my generosity. How do I discern what my next step should be? Should I be trying to find him a place to stay that will help him transition from homelessness to a more stable life? Would that be too much of "rich privileged white college kid saving the day" for it to be a practical solution that respects his dignity as a human being to choose? I can't seem to make sense of the complicated nature of homelessness. The fact is that what I've been doing isn't working, but not doing anything is completely against everything I believe Christ taught me to do. Over the summer, I learned about lamenting the things I cannot change, and so now I lament the fact that I cannot find a simple solution to this man's situation. There's no magic potion, no flow chart to follow in dealing with this brokenness. Worse still, there are millions like him...
Oh LORD how long, LORD?
James
I'm so frustrated with more conservative Christians who, in their naive ignorance of the deep pain we've caused, think they can simply decide how best to compromise on the issue of gay marriage. The issue becomes further complicated by the perverse intertwining of political and spiritual narratives which is so pervasive among the conservative evangelicals and fundamentalists. The distinction between political and Church doctrine become so blurred that address either aspect inspires the ire of many saints. They build mega-churches and have high-quality worship productions that could lead you to believe you were at a rock concert, but when it comes time to put head to the plow there's a lackluster performance in the follow-through. They have the righteousness concept refined to near legalism, but are completely missing the justice aspect of G-d's character. The evangelical and fundamentalist conservatives tend to be more individualistic and therefore do not conceive of salvation as something beyond the personal prayer made at the point of conversion. The question for them is, "who is your neighbor and what limit does Jesus put on loving them?"
The liberal Christians have no more satisfactory answers than their conservative siblings in the faith. Their watered-down theology lacks any sort of moral backbone that they end up rendering the Gospel nothing short of a limp noodle, useful for good feelings and tingles when the glossy messages of "love" come from the pulpit, but are wholly lacking in a message of G-d's call to live a new way. They have the concept of justice down to a well-oiled machine, yet they lack the righteousness that goes with it. These followers of Jesus run the risk of becoming like the salt without flavor, to be scattered among the ground and trampled on. The question for them is, "which do you love more, Jesus or social justice?"
When speaking to my conservative brothers and sisters on the issue of gay marriage, the best I have seen thus far is the concession that the LGBTQ community should have equal marriage rights, but they want to see a separate legal precedent established to make this possible. In doing this, they reject the reality that doing so establishes a government-sanctioned act of discrimination and bigotry towards gays and lesbians. They also can't seem to understand that vast difference between a G-d-ordained marriage and a legal marriage. No matter how many times I try to explain that legalizing gay marriage on a federal level would not be a threat to G-d-ordained marriages, it falls back on twisted political rhetoric that somehow G-d wants us to protect legal marriage as if it were one-and-the-same with G-d's holy unions. The most foul and evil corruption in the Church is the lie that our American political establishments are the same as G-d's most holy rites.
When speaking to my liberal brothers and sisters on the issue of gay marriage, they demonize their conservative siblings for being intolerant. The "Us vs. Them" mentality begins to create a cyclical call and response. When the conservatives come down on an issue, the liberals respond by opening their arms wide with an ever-embracing message of G-d's love and a swift back-hand to the conservatives for their "backwards thinking ways". Even I can't escape their fiery message of anti-judgmentalism (which ironically reeks of judgmentalism), and for what is my crime? I only want the Gospel preached as it in the Bible. You know the parts where Jesus tells the prostitute to "go and sin no more" or of forgiving a brother seventy times seven. Again, the wicked and idolatrous political polarization happens here with liberals always trying to be the exact opposite of their conservative siblings. It's like twins who are sicking of being mixed up trying to be so different from each other that they both end up looking like freaks.
And now I turn your attention to another matter entirely, but one of both personal and social nature. On 33rd and State on any given weekday you can be sure to find a scruffy-looking man asking for change. I've seen this man on multiple occasions over the past two and half years I've been in Chicago and asked him about his life. He told me about his family and how the internal strife and some poor choices led to being kicked out. First time I saw him I gave him some money so he could use the CTA to get into a shelter (it was February). The next time I saw him I bought him some hot chocolate and (I tried to get him to eat a banana) an oatmeal cookie at Starbucks. The third time I saw him I was a little miffed because I wanted to help him, but wasn't about to just hand him my bank account if only to see him come crawling back to me for more in a couple weeks. He told me he needed money for the CTA, so this time I gave him my farecard since I was armed with a second one which I could fall back on. Not more than two days later, I saw him again at the Jimmy John's begging for some food: whining and crying that he was hungry. I watched, utterly flabbergasted as a gentleman had the gumption to say something to the effect, "Get off my street and don't come begging here no more. This is my street, I pay my taxes, now go take your begging somewhere else..." The exchange had an even more interesting dynamic seeing as how the angry gentleman was black and the scruffy beggar is white. Would this black man be so callously dismissive if the beggar had been a black man?
Every time I see this scruffy homeless man, I can't help but feel guilty because I haven't done enough to help him. Another side of me thinks that this man is just leeching off of my generosity. How do I discern what my next step should be? Should I be trying to find him a place to stay that will help him transition from homelessness to a more stable life? Would that be too much of "rich privileged white college kid saving the day" for it to be a practical solution that respects his dignity as a human being to choose? I can't seem to make sense of the complicated nature of homelessness. The fact is that what I've been doing isn't working, but not doing anything is completely against everything I believe Christ taught me to do. Over the summer, I learned about lamenting the things I cannot change, and so now I lament the fact that I cannot find a simple solution to this man's situation. There's no magic potion, no flow chart to follow in dealing with this brokenness. Worse still, there are millions like him...
Oh LORD how long, LORD?
James
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