Slut-shaming and Christianity

This is another one of those, I guess what you call, conceptual blog entries. As opposed to talking about experiences with people in my day-to-day life; I talk about issues and concepts pertaining to injustice. For me, this is sort of practice for some essays I plan to write as a part of my Semester Project (what some might call "Shimer finals").

If you grew up in a conservative Christian home like I did, you probably heard a lot more about sex than you think you did. I hear that a lot of fundamentalists are still afraid to talk about it, but I don't know because my upbringing only had hints of fundamentalism. For me, I can recall many nights in youth group where the conversations about sex took nearly 30 minutes to get to because we were all so uncomfortable listening to someone talk about (much less engage in a conversation about sex). I hit puberty pretty early in comparison to my classmates and youth group friends (around the summer between third and fourth grade). It was annoying because suddenly my parents would start hounding me about wearing deodorant and my mom insisted that I had to take showers every day now, "Son, if you wake up in the morning and you're not in heaven, take a shower!" Now let me be clear, I love my parents and this blog entry is not intended to hate on my parents or to place blame on them; they did their darnedest to raise me the best they could and I'd like to think they did alright.

Unfortunately, everything changed for me after fifth grade. I graduated from Sonlight (Evangelical equivalent to Awana - curriculum no longer exists) and moved into the youth group. I had a lot of questions for my youth pastor, especially about dating and sex. I started noticing girls differently and everything seemed to be going downhill from there. That's when the much-hyped night came when our youth pastor split us up into boys and girls to have "the talk". My parent's church felt it was very important to be pro-active in educating young people about what the Bible had to say about sex. This, I'm told, is much more progressive than some other churches- I think you'll realize it's not when I get further into my story.

I was not very well-educated about sex in school. My class (2009) was caught in the middle of the transition between abstinence-only and basic sex education. In middle school we learned about STI's (then called STD's) and the importance of remaining abstinent until marriage as the most effective way of avoiding "complications". I didn't go to a mainstream public high school until my senior year and by that time every student in my class had already taken the required sex education health classes. I scoured the Internet and found a lot of things there, but nothing that was very helpful. In fact, most of what I found was porn. I will leave the discussion of porn for another day and another entry, but for now suffice to say that porn had a very negative effect on my view of sexuality and fed into the narrative I was taught in youth group.

This narrative was directly linked to a rigid belief that sexuality is evil until you're married. Prior to marriage, sexuality was labeled "lust" and all Biblical references to lust were applied in explaining what G-d thinks of it. I was taught that my desire to look at naked women, to look at porn was evil. I was evil. I was a sinful, awful human being and I needed to run from that evil like running away from a fire. For years I hated myself because I believed I was evil. I constantly questioned whether G-d loved because I was this evil, lustful person who always wanted sex. It led me to making a lot of mistakes with my girlfriends during different times of teenage years, wanting to have sex with them but always stopping short of it at the very last moment because I feared somehow that I would fall from grace irredeemably. The fooling around I did left me feeling like I was such a horrible person, that I had done something so terrible and that I was perpetrating something akin to violating my girlfriend because I hadn't waited until marriage to do so. Each girlfriend I fooled around with also had this guilt and eventually our relationships would end because we feared the worst, that is, that we might have sex before tying the knot. I'll never forget the day one of my sisters caught me making out with my then-girlfriend and she called me out on it in the car right before church. I was so guilt-stricken that I actually bolted from the car and ran into the woods behind my parents' house. I cried and cursed myself, spewing hate-filled phrases and maliciously repeating Bible verses about G-d's wrath for those who disobey "Him".

My girlfriends of those days and I were victims of what is now called slut-shaming. If you want a more precise and comprehensive explanation you can read this article or watch this video. The most sinister thing about slut-shaming is that you can then be inculcated with the slut-shaming narrative and believe what you're told to the point that you slut-shame yourself (they call this "internalizing"). That's what my then-girlfriend and I did. We were constantly shaming ourselves simply for having sexual desire. Whenever we "caved" or "gave in to temptation" by fooling around we didn't need a preacher, our pastor, or our parents to lay on guilt. We gave it ourselves and then some. I'm not a psychologist, I also haven't read a psychological study on this, but I'm pretty damn sure this kind of thing isn't healthy.

And I can't help but worry about my friends, my younger siblings, and all those who grow up thinking that they're evil, disgusting, and "lustful" simply because they are sexual. There are so many people whom I care about a great deal who have been effed in the head by this. My story is quite tame in comparison to some people who suffered a great deal because of the slut-shaming (and that's not even factoring in the shame and violence towards gay youth). There are people who have lived their whole lives believing this and perhaps even got married simply because they thought there was no other way to escape it (which, I might add, is a horrible reason to get married). There is no excuse that can justify slut-shaming because in essence, it is denying that we are what G-d created us to be: sexual (I will address asexuality as an orientation at another time, but rest assured asexual people are G-d's creation too). The guilt and shame heaped upon people because they are sexual is destructive and morally reprehensible. It's no wonder that preachers and pastors have to write so many damned books about "forgiving yourself", you're carrying the Empire State Building's-worth of guilt and shame on your shoulders and you believe you're an evil person to boot. If I wanted to be real cynical about it, I'd accuse preachers and pastors of planning the whole thing to make big bucks off of their books, conferences, and speaking engagements: guilt the shit out of them, sell a bunch of books about how to forgive yourself afterwards. It's perfect, right?!

My fellow believers, there are much healthier (and non-judgmental) ways to teach our youth about sexuality and a Biblical understanding of the beauty that is who we are.

Oh, LORD, how long, LORD?

James

The Dysfunctional Nature of Anti-Choice Doctrine

I sat down at lunch with some Shimerian friends of mine and we began to talk as we always do. I can't begin to say what brought up the discussion, but we began talking about contraceptives and abortion. This being almost a non-issue since we all agreed on where we stood about these things, we began talking about the absurdity of anti-choice. Let me be clear that I hate abortion, I would just as soon eliminate it from the universe, but unfortunately I don't think legislating against it will do us any good. History has shown us that when you take something away from people who are accustomed to having something, they're only going to go against the laws in order to have it anyway (Prohibition Act of 1920, illegalization of Marijuana). The real solution to abortion is to be a people who lovingly come alongside women who are contemplating abortion, who have just had an abortion, and also women who don't know what to think. Love is key, and frankly, is the most absent virtue among Christians. I would go so far as to say manipulation and politics-based-on-ignorance are the two most common things you'll find in the Church. That's a pretty sad state of affairs, my friends. I can't understand why messages from the pulpit are all about G-d's love for the sinner who may yet come to know Perfect Love, but what do Christians do when things don't go the way they think they should? They whine and moan about it to politicians instead of crying out to G-d for a Kingdom-minded solution.

Regardless, this blog entry is not about my dissatisfaction with the Church. It's a pretty safe bet that if there's an issue the Church is upset about, I'm upset at the Church for the way they're handling it.

What really struck me was that our conversation turned to how the rationale is that pregnancy is the natural consequence of having sex without using contraceptives. That's pretty much a no-brainer, I have yet to see any scientific data that proves the Natural Family Planning Method works (trying to guestimate when your partner is least fertile as the ideal time to have sex). We started talking about the narrative that goes a little something like this, "You have sex, you need to take responsibility for your actions". The implication being that if you get pregnant you're responsibility is to the unborn child. There's a much more sinister implication that the child is a punishment for having sex.

As someone who looks forward to one day being a father, I think anyone who use a child as a punishment is seriously messed up in the head. I don't care how important personal responsibility is to you. A child is a child, a gift from G-d, and under no circumstances should we ever use these little human beings as punishments. To those who would insist on this misguided idea of responsibility, I have to ask, "Just what the hell is wrong with you?" It's bad enough that you think sex has to be punished (another evil implication by the rationale of anti-choice doctrine), but then to use children- who you are supposedly trying to protect, as a weapon of punishment (and ultimately it's backdoor slut-shaming) is morally wrong and despicable.

It's time to stop playing the games of worldly politics and reactionary rhetoric, we must fall to our knees and ask G-d for solutions to these problems, with Love as our first response. It's hard, Love is not an easy thing to do especially when we've been doing the contrary for so many years. I'm just as equally guilty of this. Even now, I struggle to practice Love towards people who upset me with their backwards thinking. It's time to withdraw from the political debate and start a revolution of Love and compassion.

O Lord, how long, Lord?
James